Do you have a moment a day and experience that everything changed? Like there’s the before and after this event? And you feel like there’s no going back? Then you may have noticed that your health and life just don’t seem to be the same ever since.
In today’s episode, Megan shares her personal experience about infidelity in her marriage. She also talks about how this experience led her to where she is now and how she did not let this life lessons take down her health and more.
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Megan Blacksmith:
Hello there, Megan, here again, welcome to part three of the series, the part of the series where I get to tell you where it all started. And probably if you’re listening, you probably have had some experience in your life, some turning point, some big rock bottom, some moment where everything changed. And I’m about to share that today. So if you have not listened to part one and part two of my story, I suggest you head back over there for all of those who, people who have sent messages that this was really, really relating. And that this means so much for me to share such vulnerable open details. Thank you for sending that. Thank you for the emails. This is why I’m doing it. I really, really, really appreciate the feedback. So let’s get into the story. So you know that moment, do you have a moment a day and experience that everything changed? Like there’s the before and after this event? And you feel like like there’s no going back? Well, if you’re like me, then you may have noticed that your health and life just didn’t seem to be the same ever since. And you spent maybe days or weeks or months trying to get back to that normal. And if you’re also like me, have you experienced doing all the things suggested for your health and not getting the results you want? Well, I recently went to an 18 day speakers training and worked on a signature talk. And in the process, I told a story that I had never publicly told before about infidelity in my marriage. And as I told the story over and over and over literally 18 days of this, not quite, but it was incredibly healing. And now I feel that I’m ready to share it here with you. So trigger warning for all of you who are in the middle of some kind of situation like this, this is just my personal experience. This is not advice for your situation, please get the support that you need. And just know you’re not alone. So I’m going to take you over this four year journey that I went through, starting with that one message. That moment, it all came crashing down and led me to where I am now and why I would not take it back. I really wouldn’t. You know people say this. And I actually wouldn’t. I wouldn’t take back that day or that horrible experience, even if I was given the choice because it led me to what I do now. But let me take you to the moment that all changed for me. You know, I knew that we weren’t doing well. I just didn’t know what had gotten to that point. You know that point. We’re just tired. Having a baby is hard on a marriage. We’ll work on things later. These were the things that I told myself when that feeling would creep up that dread that there’s something missing that we weren’t connected. Hearing that little message in my ear. This isn’t good. Megan. I kept pushing that feeling down, kept pushing it down, kept pushing it down, you know when something feels like it just isn’t right. And you don’t want to look close enough to find out what it is maybe if you just ignore it, it just won’t be there anymore. It didn’t. It didn’t go away. I had ignored all the signs. You know, we hadn’t slept in the same room for over a year. But we had an infant. It’s normal right? I had ignored all the signs there was an increasing distance many many more nights where my husband had to work late or overnight or Came home smelling like booze. But I had ignored all the signs. And then I got the message. The message that came through loud and clear in the form of a DM. That’s right. On Instagram. Are you and Nate really not getting a divorce? He told me you’re getting a divorce, I would have never been with him. If I had known that wasn’t true.
I’m like, “Who the hell is this? And what the F is she talking about?” I read it again. This must mean something else must mean something else. In yet there was nothing else that these words can mean. Instagram, just such a new age way to find out that your husband is having an affair. In my rage, and in my anger, and you might hurt I lashed out at him. I was like, “How dare you? How dare you do this to us? How dare you do this to our kids.” And I ended it with “and you’re an asshole, and an alcoholic.” And those words, those words came out before I even realized consciously that that was how I felt. His drinking had slowly increased. Another thing that I had ignored. And as it came out of my mouth, I realized it wasn’t just being me being mean, I believed it. And so did he.
It’s like, you don’t even know how bad it is. He said, that alcohol, the alcohol that’s in the kitchen, that’s just a decoy. That’s just the stash to make it look like it’s going down more slowly. The real supply was in the garage. Those are the bottles getting thrown out every night. And as he shared the details of what was really going on, and the depth of his addiction, I knew and felt how bad it really was. I wanted to go back though. I wanted to go back to before I knew the truth. I wish I could just take that morning back. Just unreal what I had read, you know, unhear what I had heard unfeel what I had just felt, go back to pretending like things were just fine, like I had been doing. I was happy, right? It’s like how could I have ignored all the signs. And yet, this, this is the father of my children. And whether or not we made it together, my kids, they deserve a healthy and a happy Dad and I would do whatever it took to support that. So within 24 hours, he was on a plane to rehab and for 30 days. And I’m going to share more about his journey to recovery later in this series as well. This was the first step. And with all this time with him gone, I was determined I will never be in a situation like this again. I will never turn my back on the signs or be this blind. And I will not let this life lesson take down my health even more. And with all this time, I had the chance to see clearly I had been hiding something else. I’ve been hiding the fact that I felt like a fraud. I was a holistic health practitioner who still hadn’t fully figured out her health. I’d done all the things. I was still getting lots of feedback from my body every four to six weeks, my skin would hurt to touch, my body would ache, my head would ache, these flu like symptoms and I’d end up in bed for a few days to recover. And yet all my conventional lab work said I was totally fine. And I like to blame the things I had studied, you know like the mold exposure right? Yeah, or the viral load or my cycle. Yet I had addressed those in depth and deep down. I knew my health was actually affected by my relationship. My health was affected by my fears. My health was affected by my resentment and my health was affected by my lack of self worth. And I was determined. I, this time, I would not bury it. I would not numb and I wouldn’t run I would face it head on. No matter how uncomfortable it was, I was going all in. You wonder why? Because I had two girls, young girls watching me. What did I want to model? What did I want to pass on? A mom who buries her feelings well, leaves in resentment and pain. A mom who runs just to repeat this cycle somewhere else. Or a mom who stands up and owns her stuff, acknowledges the unresolved trauma in herself and supports her husband through his a mom who models forgiveness, a mom who is willing to do whatever it takes to stand in her power and know her worth. I was ready because I knew I want something better for me. And I wanted something better for us and I want something better for my kids. I’m like, This is your chance, Meg. This is your chance to dig deep learn to forgive and learn to really face my own patterns. I had always been someone who loves to learn, you know, gathering information and books, intellectually know it, you know. And yet, that’s where I stopped most of the time on the bookshelf. You see, I said I knew it all because I had read it and yet I wasn’t living it hadn’t applied it. So this time was different. I was ready to apply it. I was ready to open up and see what was inside I was ready to feel. And the mantra in my head became “Just keep feeling, Megan, just keep feeling.”
And so I started allanon And I started to understand codependency and my role in the dance. Just keep feeling, just keep feeling. And this led to two weeks of neurofeedback, and a year of EMDR with my therapist and a journey in the plant medicine space, a week with Dr. Joe Dispenza, many weeks with Tony Robbins. I was learning I was growing, I was peeling back the layers the onion breaking down the walls I built up, like just keep feeling just keep feeling. And in this podcast series, I’m going to take you through each of these journeys that I went on, what I learned from each and the impact they had on my health because over and over, I was blown away by how these tools and techniques were positively impacting my health. And most were not physical. It wasn’t the supplements, the sauna and the food and I love all that. Definitely not dismissing it. That plant medicine trip. And that shape shifting cat uncovered a huge piece of what was holding me back. And how even without any mind altering substances, I had a mind blowing experience of visiting the quantum field with Dr. Joe Dispenza. And how a seven day NLP training changed my life so drastically that Dr. Alex and I are now offering our own event that’s tied into our own practitioner training and certification, and did our first one in May of 2022 with our next one coming in October. And I won’t ruin the ups and the downs of the story. Although, I want to leave you with this one powerful nugget. From later on in my journey. I promise I will backtrack in the upcoming episodes and really go into the raw and vulnerable details of what was happening at the time, and how I processed what was going on and how one small step led to the next. This podcast project required me to open four years of journals and countless books that have shaped my path as I go. And the day I went to my first seven day NLP practitioner training, I was completely open to learn. I was open to everything. I took all the notes, I did all the exercises all in full tilt, no holding back. I cleared the negative emotions around the event, I collapsed the trigger that had been linked to my phone and Instagram and that message. I integrated the parts of me that felt I deserved a good relationship and the part of me that question that. And I got to the point where I had fully forgiven my husband. And deep down in my body I knew I had forgiven him and yet something still lingered there. And my amazing trainer, she said to me, she said, “Megan, have you fully forgiven Nate?” Like “Yes, yes, I have.” And I felt it. I believed it and she believed that she could feel it too. But she paused.
“Have you fully forgiven yourself?” That was it. That was the one piece the one piece left. I was able to forgive everyone else and yet couldn’t forgive myself for getting into that situation for letting that happen. I knew it was time to forgive. And now I want to take you on that journey of forgiveness because when I finally did those symptoms that I had been having every four to six weeks for eight years, the viral outbreaks the skin, the flu, the headaches, they stopped visiting me on the regular. After that week long training, I stopped taking my antiviral. I knew deep down that my body had the power inside of it, to do everything in anything that needed to be healthy. Just no longer was about the right supplement or the right diet, or my infrared sauna. This, this time, this was tied to resentment. This was tied to fear and this was tied to forgiveness. So the first stop in my journey was a support group. And in this group, I learned how to stay on my side of the street. What was mine to do and what wasn’t what codependency was and my role in the dance, and I learned I couldn’t get my husband to do learn or feel anything he didn’t want to do. Including going to AAA which I’ll explain in the next episode, why now I’m incredibly grateful that he didn’t end up going. You’re going through something tough right now, I hope you can find nuggets of inspiration in my story. And keep in mind Hindsight is 2020. If you can’t see any silver linings in your life right now, it’s okay to you know, this took me back four years. Many of these realizations were not available to me in the moment. And I believe there’s incredible power in modeling, which is the basis for NLP. The idea that if someone has made it through something, it is on the other side, we can learn from them from their mistakes, and fast track our own journey. Some things just require that you go through them, and some in my belief aren’t necessary at all. I hope that this series helps you sort that out.
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