In today’s episode, Dr. Alex talks about healthy negativity, the flip side of toxic positivity.
This episode mainly revolves around how you can actually alter your interpretation and begin to gain something from it. She also points out how this is a very crucial part of one’s transformation journey.
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Dr. Alex Golden
Hello, Hello Dr. Alex here with you. Welcome to the podcast. Megan and I are so thrilled to have you here. And today we’re going to be talking about healthy negativity. It’s kinda like toxic positivity, but flipped. And as much as toxic positivity has a lot of traction, healthy negativity is the flip side of it. But in some ways, I think it’s actually easier for people to conceptualize healthy negativity than toxic positivity. And I’m gonna tell you why in this episode. And we’re just going to dig right into it. Before we get into it. As always, I just wanted to do a little shout out of who this podcast is supported by and that is, our friends over at full script, we super super love them full script is a online formulary that essentially allows practitioners like us to compile and curate supplements at a discounted rate. So when you check out our collections that we have curated over time, and our blood, sweat, and tears and working with hundreds of 1000s of people, then you can see our collections, St ginger.com/fullscript. And in each of the categories, you will see the kind of stuff that we love. So fullscript is where we along with our friends and our loved ones, get all of our supplements. And we do that with being conscientious of budgets, of course, because that is super relevant. So when you go to visit our collections, you can see what we’re using and what we have benefited from throughout our health and transformation journeys. And really, these kinds of things with the physical body, while it’s far from being the full story is so incredibly supportive, when we feel safe in our body, and when our body really is equipped, and has the resources to function efficiently, and really, truly show up for you. And thank goodness, there are so many options really for each of us. Because there’s lots of situations in life and to be resourced up to handle what life throws at you is really our definition of empowerment. And so when we think about resources, is covered across the board, things like this, then become really important to have because when things feel good, like I know what I’m doing, I know why this is in my toolkit, I feel good about how I got here. Well, hey, that all matters. And so when we have things come up for us, you know, we’re really finding resources like that. And full scripts is really pretty high on our list, you get 15% off when you visit our collections of you just got as st ginger.com/full script, you can check that out. Alright, so that’s it with the support here. But let’s get back to healthy negativity, right. Another way of saying this is really healthy negativity is another way of saying another word for authenticity, and honesty. Now, a lot of times people will be like, but wait, authenticity and honesty are positive things. So why would you lump healthy negativity into that? Right? And that’s a really good question. Why would I associate healthy negativity with things like authenticity and honesty, right? Well, healthy negativity is really the state of acknowledgment where you are saying what is true and what is happening and what needs acknowledgement now, right? That is what makes the healthy addition in front of the negativity because negativity is just the, the unwanted interpretation of something, right? If something is negative for you, it’s you decided or we all decided it’s negative. When we modify it, we’re saying there’s something about it that both acknowledges the fact that there’s negativity there, and somehow that still ends up working out for us. So that is where when we look at things like honesty, right? We know honesty is a positive thing, but just because you’re hearing someone be honest, does not mean you’re gonna feel positive or negative about it. Those are all just Descriptors to say, here’s the event that’s happening, and honesty is I’m going to To accurately describe what is happening, or when I’m feeling right, and the same with authenticity. So that is where when we make negativity, always negative, I’m going to make an argument in this episode that we actually miss out on some stuff. Because negativity in and of itself is one thing. But to actually alter our interpretation and begin to gain something from it, then actually discharges a lot of the fear around negativity, and then gets you closer to where you say you want to go. And really, because that is the conversation, we start to have healthy negativity becomes a super crucial part of the transformation journey and becoming who you are going to become. Right? Without being honest and authentic about what’s happening. And really acknowledging that even if you don’t like it, there’s something there for you is a vastly different place to come from. I’m gonna tell you why in a second, then just saying something is negative. So why do we want to do this, right. And let’s just think back to, let’s say, you are sticking with a FODMAP diet for SIBO, right, or a low carb diet for the PCOS, you want to lose weight. So you’re doing, you’re doing the diet, right? And you you’re gearing up for it, and you’re buying the food and you’re prepping, you’re learning about it. And you let’s say you think to yourself, gee, this looks like it might be hard. This is not the way you normally eat, right? And this is feeling a little bit of thing. But then you say to yourself, Well, hey, listen, I gotta do this thing. This is my only option. I gotta pony up for it. And I do want my PCOS, and it’s gonna get better. And so am I SIBO. So I’m going to do it. Right, so relatively normal, I’m gonna say normal and close, or common conversation on our head. And we say, Okay, I’m going to make sure to try extra hard on this one, because I’m serious about getting better, right. And that is often just, that’s the thought. And then we think, Okay, I’m gonna write things down, I’m gonna get the planner, I’m gonna have accountability, like, whatever, we come up with some things to do there. And often, we are pulling from doing the stuff that we’ve already done in the past. So we it worked for us with school. So now we’re gonna do it and help. That’s one way. But then we know what happens. life gets busy, you get sad or lonely, you have a hard day at work, you have a fight with your partner, you have a bad period, your pain flares, whatever, insert the blank, you take a shower, and you’re holding a handful of what looks like it could be your gerbil over your hair. And all of a sudden, there you are, and something has triggered that feeling of oh my gosh, this is not great. And all of a sudden, you start making choices that that aren’t in line with what you said, right? So then from there, you’re basically then judging yourself and feeling shame, because you said it was really important to you and that you were gonna try really hard, but now you’re messing it up. So let’s dissect what has happened there. You basically planned for it working and did nothing got caught with your pants down on the resources on what you were going to do when it did it. Right. There was no plan for if you mess up. If you think about messing up. If you are tempted to mess up. If you mess up in store, if you mess up and then lose it for two weeks. There’s no plan for any of that. You can’t even have a plan without this. So my whole point is that the reason? Healthy negativity is so important to acknowledge and actually own through honesty and authenticity. And here’s the kicker, it gets you solutions, right? If you are not actually setting yourself up for success and you’re just hoping that this time you can use more willpower it’ll just go better life won’t life. It’s really not that surprising when things go south, and then we don’t like what happens. So anytime we’re in that state, that’s when we need to stop and say Ah, this is where I left myself on resourced. That is why I feel this way. Because now I don’t know now I just have to stick my tail between my legs and slink on over to try Being hard again and using willpower, right, and there you are, right back where you started feeling a little bit more dowdy on whether you can stick to things. So that’s the same thing. It also happens in relationships a lot. So maybe you can relate to this, right? Where we someone’s acting in a certain way. We’re like, gosh, that doesn’t feel good. Okay, that I am telling myself the story of they did that because they feel this way about me. Right, maybe they don’t actually care that much. So that’s why they didn’t follow up. They didn’t call me when they said they would. Or that tone didn’t sound that happy. But they’re saying they’re fine. Okay, and then we go through that a couple of times. And then eventually, something triggers enough where the bill comes due, right. And all of a sudden, you’re losing your mind and screaming at somebody, and then feeling guilty and ashamed or self sabotaging by piecing out instead of yelling, you’re like, cool, screw you then. And then now you’re not in relationship with someone, or at least you’re not participating in one. Why did that happen? Well, because there was a plan for going well, but when those things didn’t get acknowledged as happening, and there was not that level of honesty and authenticity of here’s who I am, here’s who you are, here’s what I need. Here’s what I’m asking for here on my boundaries. When none of that happens, the ball drops. And when it does, then oftentimes to cope with that we create actions and create situations in our life that we are not actually proud of. And that’s the kicker, right? If we’re, if we were proud of them, then there’s no problem. If things are going great in all areas of your life, you have no problem, which is obvious, but it’s really easy to create problems in our head, right? But here’s the thing, if you are relating to any one of these, this is here for you, right? Because what we’re saying at the end of the day is that I felt unsupported by me, I didn’t have the resources, I didn’t acknowledge any of this stuff. And then when it pops out, boy, it gets me. And when it gets me I have thoughts and feelings about myself about that. So if we know that happens, what does it really look like to then actually acknowledge it? Right? And this is the thing that the avenue that we use, is gentle exposure therapy, we have a gentle exposure therapy model. And we apply it to courage building skills, right? How does one intentionally begin to place themselves in relatively safe situations, right, you have your best friend that you know you can speak to, and share honestly, with, that can be a consideration for an avenue right? The boss that you’re terrified to talk to, or whatever, anybody in that category, probably not the starting point because that terrified, newness is the authentic authenticity and honesty within yourself that says that is too much.
I need to go create evidence for myself in areas where I can continue to build courage that I can see, when I am honest, when I speak, when I share when I make choices that are aligned with me, which is to say they feel good to you. Or doesn’t that feel good. From a pleasure standpoint, it feels good as I’m proud of who I am when I do this, or when I be this where I am this. Right? Those things then require us to reach further and acknowledge what’s going on, share it, and then look for the solutions. Because in the acknowledgement, the flip side of that you don’t even have to go anywhere for that the flip side of that is solutions. If you know what you’re dealing with, then you can handle it. That closet that you have where everything’s just shoved in or like the junk drawer. If you don’t know, if you can’t list every single item in your junk drawer, then you can’t really tell me that you could go create a solution for all of it right? You’d have to go look into the junk drawer, catalogue it at least somewhat in your head. And only then can you make decisions is the same thing here is the junk drawer of your relationship or the junk drawer of your health and you have not actually taken stock and acknowledged all of the things that are in there. You will never and this I can say with certainty you won’t have a solution for something that you don’t know is the issue. And the issue is not just I have health issues or my business isn’t going that well, or I’m not happy in my marriage. The issue is the fact that we won’t even acknowledge all of the steps in between that just the actual honesty to say, I’m unhappy is exactly what I’m talking about. There is no marriage therapy. If you don’t say, I’m unhappy, there is no improvement in sex life, if the acknowledgment of something isn’t working here, there is no clue growing closer as a couple, if you don’t first acknowledge where that stuff is missing. And what is happening there. It doesn’t we make it mean something negative, like, Oh, if something’s missing in our lives that we messed up. Part of this thinking is the acknowledgement of cool, I’m just realizing now this is important. So instead of sitting around and asking myself 15,000 times why I didn’t think of it earlier, I’m just gonna cut the bullshit and just go do it now when I thought of it, right. And so the healthy negativity gets you more solutions. Because the positive positivity, you are already doing that stuff, you already have a plan for how you want to be healthy, you already you know, you have ideas there, you may not be perfect, but you are going towards something, this is where you’re going to miss a whole bunch. So it’s really, really important that we begin to take bite sized steps to find safe places to speak up, share truth, and that can include your journal, just acknowledging to yourself first is everything. Right?
Now the problem is, if someone is really having a hard time sharing their words and feelings, because they’re making you cry, that is really pointing towards needing resources for emotional processing the emotional body that building the emotional intelligence. Or the other thing that can come up here with the problem is you’re like, Well, I would say it I if I would be courageous, I’m actually not sure if I’m right, right. So you’re basically second guessing and doubting yourself. Those things are also need to be addressed, right? Because those things are often in the way of us making progress. And so addressing the thought process around having right or wrong in our authority or not, listen to the previous episode one of this series, go back and listen to that too, if you haven’t, because those are the kinds of solutions that are going to need to be addressed, when there’s significant things in the way of that. So of course, things like trauma can do this. And just conditioning that happens in many different areas of life. Okay, so healthy negativity, the more that you embrace the honesty and authenticity with courage, the more expanded and the more expansion you’ll experience in your life. Right? Now, if you are somebody that deals with people, if you’re a coach, if you’re a practitioner, this is often where practice we see practitioners not practicing this. And it’s very hard for them to deal with some of the client stuff like client emotions and delivering difficult things or being a mirror for someone and pointing out to them what they’re doing or what their patterns are, these things are very challenging. Or if you’re a parent that find within yourself, or if you notice that with your kids, this kind of stuff is hard to do. That just like I said, in the last episode, I’m opening up my schedule to talk with you guys. So if you’re a practitioner, and those working or if you are somebody that is dealing with this on your own, and you are someone who is dedicated to functioning as a leader in your life, in whatever capacity, shoot me an email support is se ginger.com and just put in the subject line or in the email that you’re coming from the podcast, and that you’re looking to chat with me because I’m basically hoping to get on the phone and thank you for all the people who already emailed. We’re gonna get back to you on times with me already and working with the team on that. And we’re going to be chatting, right because Megan and I have a lot of things in the works. We have both practitioner retreats, and personal retreats, we have programs and we’re really right now doing a deep dive onto how do we best support you all right, what do you all have going on? What are you working on and how can we best do that? So shoot us an email. And I will chat with you. And it’ll be me. And I’m super, super excited to do that. And we have a bunch of stuff coming up that we’ll be able to, if it’s a good fit at all, we will be able to continue the conversation. What does this look like to become more resource up. So no matter what category you fall into, we’re going to have a nice little chat. I’m also just going to ask a bunch of questions about what’s going on what you’re dealing with, because then we’re going to get to work and we’re going to be creating the next layers making our next two weeks. This is how we work, you know, and we’re very open about that, right? We’re always getting feedback, we’re always transforming ourselves, our stuffs called the transformation accelerator program, and we don’t do it in a vacuum. So we so appreciate when you all come chat with us hop on the phone with a share what you guys got going on. Even a lot of times these conversations are vulnerable because you’re like, This is what I’m struggling with. It matters so much to us and we are just so appreciative when you all are willing to be vulnerable like that and to really put yourself out there. It lets us do that from our standpoint. So we get to become that person and that is a blessing. That is a huge blessing for us. So I will catch you on the next podcast episode. And if you’re gonna hop on the phone with me, I will talk to you then. Alright, have a good day. Bye!