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S16, E04: Transformation in Relationships: HTA Q&A - Zesty Ginger
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In today’s episode, Dr. Alex goes through a Q&A with one of our amazing Health Transformation Accelerator students, Kristen.

In this Q&A, they talk about moving through limiting beliefs, the importance of self-awareness and expectation management and breaking out of the patterns of anxiety.

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Dr. Alex Golden 0:00
Welcome to the zesty ginger podcast. We are Megan and Dr. Alex. We are here for transformation. Yours, ours and the collective personal and professional for practitioners. But not just any transformation, compassionate transformation. Because between the two of us, we have seemed to have done things the painful way. Let our pitfalls become your stepping stones. We are afraid to share our raw and vulnerable truths in order to help you transform your thinking, your body, your heart and your soul. Combining 15 years of functional medicine, with brain based habit change to lead you to the best life possible in a compassionate way. Compassion, yes, yet plan to roll up your sleeves. transformation requires your participation. And a quick reminder, this information is not meant to diagnose, manage or treat disease. Always consult with your doctor, not this doctor before making changes. Now let’s get into the episode.

This is your time for q&a. So I’m here for answering questions. Whatever you guys want to talk about, we can talk about.

Kristen 1:16
But, um, so I’m noticing well I have I’ve known this that I have a lot of limiting beliefs or decisions, judgmental thoughts about my husband. And I’m not to the point where I feel like they’re neutral. Like I’m also judging myself for, for feeling that way for not being able to just like let them go. And I was rewatching the or watch the replay from the class this week. And you mentioned how like, sometimes we can be hardest on the people that were closest to and like, not show up as are like, for me, I feel like I don’t always show up as my best self. For him. Like he gets kind of like the leftovers. And so I was just curious, like, I want to work towards to support my goal, I want to work towards clearing some of these limiting decisions and beliefs. But also like honoring the fact that I think that this way for a reason. And some of these are like little it’s like little stuff that they like add up, right? So then it becomes like, a feeling of being annoyed or like not really wanting to like be present and listen or whatever. Because I’m just like, I don’t know, but I’m just curious, like, what would your suggestion be for moving through some of those I’ve thought about just trying to like keep a running list and then doing like the four questions, maybe till I can like get past each one. But I feel like I’ve kind of been trying to talk myself through these for a while and like, move through them and, and focus on all the good because there’s so much good, but I tend to want to, like, look at what is I wish was different or whatever he’s doing that’s bothering me or whatever.

Dr. Alex Golden 3:10
Yeah, great, great topic to bring up because this is layered and complex. So because you brought up a lot of really good stuff. So let’s, we’ll start unpacking it on my ask you to kind of like re prompt me. So I make sure to hit up all of the layers, but okay, yeah, with, with relationships, and we’re essentially just saying, there are all our mirrors, and they are mirroring back to us who we are and how we’re being. So it is absolutely true that our closest people are also our most powerful mirrors. And while that is a lovely thing that comes with significant challenges to so as a double edged sword for sure. Which is why it’s so easy to feel like we’re not at our best with them. And you know that with that let’s talk about expectations in general in relationship because of that, right? Overarching Lee, my my stance on this is that it’s about authenticity. The more that both people can be authentic and hold on who they are, then you have the greatest chance of actually coming together and having a positive, you know, bi directional mirror experience. It’s like the and that is why individual work is so important for a relationship because if you can’t be authentic in terms of how you feel yields are what your response to something, is there something that’s really bothering you or that good stuff that you like, then instead, we do stuff like the push and pull, right? You get close to them and then push them away, or you want to look for the good, and then you’re acting out about the bad. And then you’re like, why am I even focusing on this? Right? All that back and forth, like internal conflict is really the different parts of ourselves that haven’t healed? You know, they’re like, at odds with one another. And so that is why relationships do get better when we do this kind of work. Before Yeah, Michelle, I agree, this is a great question. Why it becomes here to manage a guy though, you’re saying so. But my point is not different here other than to say, that’s still going to be the most powerful. And so it’s less, I think most people think more about their relationship outside of themselves. When it’s like everything that’s happening there is also happening in South, right, so you’re not going to miss that stuff. And I find that kind of reassuring. Yeah, anything that you do there, because you can come more as like, This is who I am. And I’m going to own that instead of hiding from you or trying to be something I’m not or whatever, then conversations can be different. Because part of I think what you’re saying is that some of it isn’t working for you.

Kristen 6:40
Right. And, well, I feel like some of this stuff is just his personality. And so, so it’s like, that’s why that’s like the issue, I think is I’m like, I’m I know, I can’t change him. I don’t even know if I really want to Well, maybe if I could. But it’s like, I mean, there’s stuff I do and stuff about me that

Dr. Alex Golden 7:06
I was thinking about that even if you put in some money, then most thing about this, all of the annoying things that you don’t like about somebody or yourself are almost always the consequences of it. They’re the flip side of the reason you like them in the first place. Yeah. So if you’re like, wow, I really love him. It’s just I feel so safe with him. Things are stable, I feel good. And then everybody’s like, and then I’m bored sometimes. Right? So you’re right, you, you could if you could change him, right? Like, let’s say you could and then you would but then you would have to deal with the consequences of making that decision. The which case you just be kicking the can down the road. Yeah, so that desire is what Megan and I call like, if you could be different than I would be happy. All right, but what did we say? It doesn’t work like that. First, you are internally congruent, which feels good. So that we say we’re in the happy neighborhood, and only then coming forward because right let’s think about annoying works, right? What are the actual options, we can either heal the aspect of ourselves that is triggered by that, too? What’s your point? Right all of the the five interpretations is amazing for getting triggered by somebody’s breaks. Like why do they do the things that they do? Because usually the interpretation is to friggin annoy me instead of you know, they do this because that’s an extension of this really amazing quality of theirs is a very drastically different interpretation that will pick up different emotions. So I’m actually not you have enough things to choose from in terms of tools then I’m not super worried about that and this discussion, right it’s not the how you can poke holes in this or how you can think of it differently because you have the how, but it’s more like when and what is appropriate to use for this because you’re right it’s not nitpick the man until he changes or what ever it is right or, or just accept all of it and then and then just be okay with it. Neither extreme is going to do in this category. It’s always going to be a moment by moment decision making of like, this just came up what is this telling me about myself? What could this mean and right so that that was that one and then what do I need to do about it? Because some things when we are we can really heal the part that’s triggered and watch the person do it. And it’s kind of like watching them in an aquarium right? You’re not like trying to fix the fish. You’re just watching them swim by So it’s like I’m just watching in shoe that state loudly in your mouth, right?

And you’re just like, then. So that is more on the acceptance side of things. And I said, instead of stuffing things down and guessing yourself, like, I’m just going to tell my story that it doesn’t bother me, it’s actually resolving the the thing within yourself, right. So if it is I’m triggered because the chewing is just an overstimulated. And that means upon further retrospection, that I have spent the day overstepping some of my own boundaries. Therefore, if I take care of some of those things, then the chewing won’t send me over the edge for you. And then we can stop blaming them for triggering the things that were responsible for, which is you should have checked in with yourself multiple times along the way to have the self awareness to say I need to step away, I’ve been touched out noise doubt questioned out marked out, and I need to manage that so that I can be what what I can offer as my best today, right? Because we’re not always going to be at our best, the frequency at which we see our loved ones basically determines that they will also see our website to you, we just spend too far time with them, like the touch points are too great that you won’t have a bad moment. So that is never going to be in question. Our loved ones will see the worst in us. But my argument is that it’s balanced out by when we can hurry up and take care of ourselves enough to provide the best of us two. And that is what brings balance and evolution to the relationship together. And it feels cohesive then, because then you’re like Growing and Learning Together from each other. And, and so the the worst part is actually not a problem, right? That’s the reframe, we can actually say, Hey, this is from the expectation management, I do not see a world where the people that spend the most time with me won’t see some of the negativity, right. At that point. We can that’s not even like, we don’t have to do belief work. We don’t have to get NLP we don’t have to do time. There’s not all this stuff to do, the more we just set it aside like, Hey, I’m actually just releasing that expectation. They’re going to see it. So how can I feel good about that? So on the acceptance side, again, not shoving it down, not gaslighting was saying how do I then feel good about that. And I think most of us will say that, as long as the rest of the time we can get to the place where it’s at our best on any given day of what’s available to us is going to mean, then we can reconcile the differences when we fall short. does that jive? Okay. So then, if it’s not acceptance, sometimes our emotions really are pointing us into, we don’t want to accept it. So if we’ve been doing stuff like that, then we have to figure out what needs to be addressed. And in that category, there’s also a bunch of options, right? Because there are some things that are completely reasonable to bring up. And when it comes to authenticity and courage. What’s cool, and what starts happening is conversations that are like, hey, you know, I can see this in you. I have this awareness of myself and why this brings out this negative aspect of me. Here’s how I’m handling it on my end. But could you please work with me by doing this? These yeah, that feels so different than you always do this. That’s so annoying. Because we that meet that level of conversation sets up a scenario where we can actually go you know what, I know this? Isn’t that reasonable? But could you please actually just do it with me? And it’s shocking how many times humans are so like neuroplastic they will they will go with you. If you’re like reasonable about it right? For the most part, people are more than happy to make the people that they love happy. But when we come at it in that dysregulated unaware way, then of course, it’s like we trip our wires, then we trip over theirs, then they trip over there and then come back to trip over ours and so we’re just it’s just a mess going back and forth and it turns into a fight. Right. So at that point, that is where the combination of those things allows these conversations to be much easier or even just to come to someone and say, This is a past trauma. Right now I’m dating again, right? Like, I’m new to dating. So I’m literally watching my brain play out things from my past relationship, just like expectations that I have, or like, yesterday, going out to dinner has been in my shoes. And I had it just firing off an old brain pathway. I slipped their shoes on, but they had a class and I walked out the door, and I was like clasping them as I was walking, and he like, suddenly, it was like, you gotta just put your shoes on in the house like it would have been, you got to just like sat down on the couch. Hey, because we’ve had this conversation before, right? There was I was conditioned to, I had conditioned myself to caretaker, a lot of someone else’s anxiety and manage that, right? So I did a lot of things reflexively to manage things and not set up the scenarios that would have brought that out. Right. So if I don’t make them wait, there’s not a lot of anxiety that can bubbles up, it doesn’t come back to me. But that’s, I mean, I was manipulating him back, right, we were both manipulating each other. And like, if I can just move myself along, then I don’t have to deal with the bitching and I don’t have to deal with the big thing, then then I don’t have to be crabby at you, whatever. Right? So, so those kinds of behaviors were just liked and and to have someone you know, stop and help me see like, Oh, this is what’s happening right now, then, then I’m like, okay, I can begin to break out of that. And next time, just go ahead and make that choice, right. So we create these groups, and then dynamic, and that’s where stopping and, and bringing the awareness of okay, what’s the pattern here? And how about, you know, I’m just going to take time to put on shoes, right? That’s not, that’s not a hard conversation to have. And someone else as long as they’re reasonable persons not going to care. Right, he was like, cool, we can break that habit. And this is what’s going to happen. And so because it was all stated like that there was no problem. If I had been triggered by the hallway thing, and like, I’m just trying to hurry, then it never would have gone like that. Right. So it was love what I mean by it building on each other. And then the next part of this is actually, sometimes it is actually a bothersome thing that is hurting our feelings. Or, and this is where when we put it through the five interpretations, or you even take it up to seven, or whatever you decide to do, if you take it out, and you still can’t reconcile it, or you’re doing the four question, and you’re like, you know, I just feel like it’s true. At that point, then the authenticity and the courage applied to get there is really, like, there’s a lot of steps to standing in front of somebody and saying, This doesn’t work for me. Right? Because we have to hear ourselves saying something, we have to recognize the trigger and the negative emotions that come up, we have to have picked some options on what do we think could fix it? Right? Like what could they do? Or what would we prefer instead? And then we have to decide that we are right instead of self doubt, right? Instead of being like well, this would feel better I think but you know, that’s just his personality. So I’m just saying you just like looped and then came right back to where you started and loop right and so people feel stuck there. And so the depending on breaking it down because depending on where you get stuck that’s where the authenticity and courage only to do flying paper either with you or your then it’s like if I can’t decide, yes, this actually hurts my feelings and then I’m going to go have a loving connected commerce station that looks like you know, I’m in conflict about this. One part of me feels triggered and I want to ask you for this. The other part of me is struggling with that because I know that this is how you’re like I know that this is like your preferences. I know that this is how you normally do and it makes me feel like an alkyl to point that out to you. Having that level of authenticity and honesty when it they hear your struggle. So the the potential to be defensive is not as Lunch, they’re right here very much acknowledging the reason that you are having a hard time bringing up with them anyway. And because we are then like courageous enough to share our struggle, then what we often hear back is their struggle. Hey, I know that that annoys you. But I forget, and I forget, because, you know, a lot of times, this is what I’m dealing with. In this scenario, this is how it comes up. And a lot of times, it’s like, Well, I’m sorry that I do that. And I don’t necessarily want to be be in that scenario, either. And now what you have listed is like the desire to come together and work as a team to create relationship dynamics that truly serve both of you, right? And then it’s very different to be like, I’m feeling triggered by this thing. Are you also having this thing that you’re triggered by? Because then both people can say yes. And then what does it look like? Yeah, maybe maybe it’s okay, we come together and just like, right, just hold each other for a minute and be like, Okay, we’re both okay, we’re both just struggling, like, what is this, or, okay, we’re just having a little bit of a hard time, let’s give each other some space and then come back together, whatever it is. And I think that, that kind of working together and a relationship takes, it’s a skill that’s developed. And so I think of it very similarly, as any sort of gentle exposure therapy model right on, like, if you can start with small annoyances, and things that don’t send you off the ledge, and you know that don’t send him off the ledge, then you can start to create the who you need to be to come together in these conversations, right, because we said, just to get to the conversation alone takes a lot of self development and lots of self awareness. And then when you get there, both of you need to be thinking things, feeling it using as the compass, and then stating it in a way that the other person can understand. It’s a very complex process that we’re actually talking about right to individual humans, figuring out how to mesh together. I mean, incredibly, incredibly complex as a thing, right. And so starting with things that are not huge problems, I think builds that confidence muscle that says, we can figure out some of these things. And even when we can, it feels so different to be like, I know that that’s a struggle for you. And I know you’re working on it, and and I these are the things that we are doing to come together on that sitting tight through that kind of turmoil is way easier than I just have to loop it in my own head and fight with myself and and do all of those things. Okay, that was most a lot. That’s Kristin,

Kristen 22:55
that was so helpful. I’m gonna have to rewatch that. Yeah, I mean, that is very, very, very helpful.

Dr. Alex Golden 23:04
Well, we will wrap up for the week. All right, sending you lots of love. Talk to you soon.

Megan Blacksmith 23:10
Thanks for coming out to hang with us on the podcast. It is our goal to transform the way women are treated in healthcare. And we need your help. We need your help to get the word out. We have a lofty goal of 1 million downloads. And we know that as this podcast grows, we’re going to be able to reach more women get more amazing speakers for you and bring the most cutting edge information.

Dr. Alex Golden 23:32
If you found these pod classes helpful, please take a moment to text five women you know the link to the series. We appreciate your help so much. Can’t wait to see you next time.